Spring break

So last week was crunch time for projects and midterms.

Turns out I still fucked up two of my classes and got 70s on the midterms. Though, I think I'm pretty sure I did good on my finance midterm. Project was alright coulda been better if our team had better communication and work ethic. Also, Japan trip for Summer1 and co-op are killing me inside. The stress for them is overwhelming. Not to mention my parents are having problems paying for all this shit.

Basically everything is everywhere and I really have no idea how to deal with it. Most of the time I find myself running away and bitching about it to the few people who are willing to listen or my gf. Other times I just hop onto world or warcraft or some other game to just escape from it all.

I just feel so alone in the world. I used to have friends up the ass to talk, hang out etc etc etc. And now, every friend I make already has a small group of friends and have little room for a new member. Its a kind of deja vu of highschool. Right after cyrie dumped me my circle of close friends grew significantly smaller, I even met people who i didnt know just straight up hate on me.

I tried to make new friends and not one of them became a "close" friend. Instead I ended up with hundreds of "acquaintances". That's how it feels now. I can easily walk across campus and run into a crap load of people and say "HIIII!!" and then thats where it stops.

Reminds me of when I go on dates with girls in hawaii, just about every one of them make the statement "wow you know everyone!!" which is mostly true, I do "know" everyone, and thats how far it goes really. I just "know" them. We don't hang out or talk much, we just "know" each other.

Same goes for my life here in Boston. I know a crap ton of people. I hang out with someone maybe once a month? Since I stopped going to parties because I wouldnt want to accidentally hook up with a girl since i have a gf now.

Ha, another thing bothering me lately is the gf actually. I've been thinking of how much we actually talk and how much ive gotten to know her. Although, I've learned more and more about her, I feel like she still knows nothing about me or how I feel about her. I try to hint at, I would like her to txt and call me more, but that didnt improve anything. Basically, I'm being a faggot and very selfish about my relationship with her. I know, she's prolly not used to talking to someone this much, and I AM her first bf and that she's not really experienced. However, I the reason why I feel really clingy and obsessive is mainly because, I just appeared out of now where in her life. I didn't have the experiences and time spent like the guys that she hangs out with. I'm more or less sure that there are a couple of guys that like her and just too shy to ask her out.

I've been through that many many times, and I dont want anything similar to happen again really. I would just ask out a girl and she'll say yes. and then some childhood friend or some other guy who took too long to ask her out but already had all that time spent with her working his relationship with her closer would basically did what i did to them. Barge in and win her over. Some how I would always just be ditched mid way through a relationship because I got there late and was just more assertive.

I know that I'm just imposing my own standards and experiences with other girls on her, but somehow I just feel put down from it. She's shy and introverted and yet she still has the power over me to be worried if she's talking to another guy. She has the ability to want her more, just by not txting or calling me. She goes at her own pace and leaves me chasing after her, even though I'm pretty sure she doesnt mean to.

Gah, am i insecure or what lol. Long distance relationships always keep me on edge every day.


Now, I'm on spring break with all this free time, and nothing to do. These things tear me up constantly so much so that I can't sleep.


Day 2

Hours awake: 52

Strong willed yet feeling weak

Recently shit has basically hit the fan in my life. My parents who continue to say that they will support me in college and give me the life that they themselves could not have, are finally hitting the glass ceiling. My mom who already has taken up a second job just to keep up with the bills and my tuition seems really tired nowadays. My dad who I used to look up to for help now struggles to remember mundane and seemingly trivial tasks. My dad just broke the news that it was going to be really tough to actually support me going to Japan this summer because of the money and the late fees from the school. Not to mention that I finally feel how much of a burden I really am to my parents. They are nearing the age of retirement and basically I feel guilty for not being able to help them out even just a little bit.

On top of that guilt the extra guilt of myself getting a 2.5 gpa last semester has been slowly eating away my self esteem. I have been trying harder but for some reason school isn't sticking. As of now I keep trying to push myself to do better to get a 3.5 this semester just so I am able to stay in my major. Although, I just recently worked out a way for me to still go to Japan and took that pressure off, I still got stuff from my never ending group projects in seemingly every class, and the constant need to talk to people. For some reason I feel like talking and making friends has become a chore. Although, I feel severely lonely at times just in my room playing video games and watching anime, i made it to the point where I went and got a girl friend. The problem with that is that I feel way too attached and she seems to distant. It may be because, once again I picked up a girl who doesnt have any relationship experience and not many friends. but thats okay. I'll try. I feel that life is too hard to live now and that i long for such simpler days of not worrying about marriage and future.

it feels weird that even now without an actual best friend to rely on to vent and such, or a gf who is not willing to listen to my rambles about how life is a harsh experience. I still turn to blog my life away.

lmao this is starting to get depressing so ill stop for now

personal psychologist

As finals week comes and goes, many random thoughts just pop into my head.

For example, one night I was just playing Halo: reach with some friends on xbox live and all of a sudden I get a call from a girl. She doesn't call me much so I was interested. I dropped Halo and answered her call. Turns out she just wanted someone to talk to. AKA: bitch about her bf who is doing something wrong.

After the two hour vent session, I noticed that the conversation died out right when she was satisfied letting it all out.

This was not the first time a girl called me just to vent about her bf. In fact majority of girls I know at one point in time will communicate to me about their bf being an asshole etc etc.

So to get to the point, I wondered why they say a bunch of bs about their guy and compliment on how I can listen and provide feedback, and yet go on still going out with said "asshole". Noticing this trend, I figured that the guy in question is probably a pretty decent guy, and girls just misunderstand/over expect something of him.

These thoughts slowly expanded into why girls call ME just to vent about stuff like that. i came to the conclusion that I'm just convenient. I always answer the phone, listen intently and don't fret over if they never talk to me ever again. Similar to what many girls said that I dated during the summers when I return to Hawaii.

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I wrote a blog earlier about my observation on guys chasing girls, and why is it rarely the other way around, but it got lost some where. I feel like retyping that in the near future.

dreams

I just pulled a two day all nighter, thats basically 48 hours of no sleep. Mainly because of insomnia and a final paper due for my writing class.

Anyway, after turning in my paper i crashed. To my surprise however, I actually had a dream. its been months since I actually had enough sleep to dream.

Though in this dream I was confused to whether or not if it was a good or bad dream.

I was in some school like atmosphere and then there were these two performers that came in, a very attractive couple. They sang and dance etc etc and everyone loved them. Though, for some reason I didn't watch any of their performances. What I did was run odd jobs for the faculty. Little did i know, that this one girl who liked me, that I was rejected by for reasons that I was not aware of apparently switched places with the female performers and started making moves on me. then it was basically a love comedy thing going until one point.

This was where I realize that the girl isnt exactly who I thought she was. I remember that We looked into each others eyes for the longest time and then i saw a tear. And then the whole, dense main character who finally figures out what has transpired sequence occurred. It was then where I wiped the tear off of her face and then apologized for not noticing earlier.

Queue in varying events where the girl returns to being self centered and over confident however, this time respects me for who I am, instead of putting standards against.

I then wake up and realize that the girl was actually someone who fits the description perfectly. and i have to say, she's pretty attractive.

love the way you lie pt2

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

lackluster performance

lately i've been feeling extremely lazy. I stopped reading daily and started procrastinating. Currently fucked up some midterms but that's okay, I got the rest of the semester to bump them up. But that's not the point. I came into this new school with a new resolve and recently just basically gave up. I dont really know why either. I've made a bunch of new friends, gone to a shit load of club activities and even hung out with harvard and bc. I shouldnt feel lazy at all. in fact I should be energetic and optimistic about the coming years. Although, I was sick last week, and I told my parents that I wasnt coming home this winter. They sounded a bit sad really, maybe that's why Im down? Maybe it's the writing class assignment in which I chose to write about a past relationship. Though neither of those actually move me. I dont usually get upset when my parents do, and i've written a shit load of assignments about cyrie for college writing before, why is this one different.

I honestly have no clue. Hopefully though, i get over whatever the fuck has come over me soon.

hm. actually. i think it was when vivian asked me what i was going to do with my major was when i started to think a little to much. i actually wanted to become a manager or some sort of supervisor, but if so, i should be majoring in management, not IB. though, i love IB and all that. the path im taking right now would serve more of a desk job in the financial section of an international business. Hopefully, japan and china continue to get stronger as the years pass. Seeing as which, im currently studying mandarin and japanese. I actually hope to add korean in there too sometime in the near future.

still, im at that point just like i was when i was about to graduate highschool. i cant really see the future. theres nothing i can predict, which maybe scares me just a bit. its actually what led me to be more apathetic when i graduated. I started dating a lot. that one summer before i left for ny, i went out every other day, and usually with a different girl. and as the summers came and gone, the number has gone down significantly. but in reality, what i really wanted was stability, which none of the girls i went out with could give me. perhaps i was asking too much, though i didnt really care if they were up to the standards of my choosing anymore physically or intellectually, the most important was that stability of always being there.

i guess after cyrie, of whom i used to call every night and talk for at least 3 hours with, i attempted to regain that. I forced upon cell phone convo with every other girl i knew, until i could get that 3 hours in. of course this led to arguments of me being a man whore, but i didnt really care. cyrie was already talking about me, at least thats what i heard, but w/e. i was already in it for me, and what i wanted at the time was just someone to talk to. since basically all my friends at the time were mutual between me and her, i had to branch out. i slowly got to know more public school and college kids. and turned that 3 hour one on one cell call, to several 15-30 min calls between many people.

all in all, i lost every person i called my best friend in one way or another over the years. i dont really believe i have any good friends left. i just have really nice people in my life. people who are kind enough to talk to me from time to time, never really hang out, but there are some occasions when theyre bored enough to.

all in all, im just experiencing that gap between people i suppose. although, many people who know me would say, "yea harley's a pretty out going guy".

I wasn't before and i still don't think i am either. It's just that i do things people do not want to do. when people dont want to be jpo cpt, i volunteer, when people dont want to participate in class, i give the answer to make the teacher happy and everyone else at ease. when people dont want to type out the project, i do it so shit gets done. when people are silent, i remain silent because theyre lack of interaction means they rather not.

In essence, I am a mirror. You start to talk to me, i'll talk back to you using the same emotions. if you ignore me, i'll do just the same. if you are sad and talk about your problems, i in turn will talk about more sad things.

but harley, you werent like that to the new people at ward. that is true, mainly because at ward everything became a competition, and since people wanted to compete with me, i competed back. aka, to get girls numbers etc etc etc. it was stupid really, but it was something to pass the time i suppose. everyone was so into their friendships that they forget that it's just a part time job. you don't really make much there, yea i guess it could be fun at times, but really, why would you want to stay there, for friends? if thats the case then im out.

in my life ive learned that friends are only as good as you can use them. more of less the reason why i lack it. I stopped doing their homework, i moved away detached from them 6k miles away, i stopped treating them to food, etc etc etc. most of the time i was just taken advantage of. when i stopped doing all those things for them, i noticed they stopped talking to me frequently. slowly though, aside from that, women got inbetween the rest of my friendships.

I was basically satan. guys would tell their gfs to stay away from me, other girls would say that i have stds or some shit, but w/e. hawaii is just an island of bs.

/end rant of hawaii

Midterms...

I really can't believe its already October. So little time has passed and yet so many things has happened. I lost contact with a great girl, transferred to a new school, joined 4 clubs, met a shit load of people, some how find free time to go to the gym, attempt to hang out with people, and finally shove time in for studying and playing games. Lol has I try to list them all its kinda hard to say its a lot, however, I feel that everyday is a blur. I barely get any sleep, I attempt to cram, what appears to be useless information into my head, since half the shit I study aren't on the tests or w/e. Also, with the 4 clubs, I already skipped a shit load of activities mainly because I had a hard time trying to do homework and studying. gah.

Midterms are here and I already took one out of the three. I got a B+, way better than I expected. Hopefully the other two will follow suit. I just want to maintain a 3.0 just so I could go to Japan. Fuck. I just remembered that I got placed into a low Japanese course fufufufufufu. On top of that, lots of the upperclassmen think that I'm a freshie. gahhhhh. Since most of my friends are freshman or transfers T___T o well. I might as well be a freshman, I'm still learning the ropes of this school.

Its been raining for the passed 3 days now. I enjoy it a lot. I hope it will snow soon. I love winter. Especially, because I can listen to "My december" on loop. Lol I know its kind of childish but every year i dread my birthday and christmas mainly because theres no one i know anymore that would sincerely remember my birthday. After cyrie dumped me near my bday, i felt that she gave me that present that one day sophomore year as like a pity gift. like a "my bad" sort of thing. that got to me too well. I remember I told taryn that story and she promised me that she would get me something for my bday etc etc. lol, even though we did break up way before my bday came around, she still wanted to be friends, and lo' and behold she did not even remember when my bday was. some friend lol. but it was alright, my best friend serena would remember, and she did, she was the friend i wished i had more of. however, we stopped talking the year after.

Since then, i tended to relate to harry potter, when no one cared about his bday. Even the people I talk to everyday, I know when theirs are, and even say happy bday to them, lol and yet none of them know mine.

lol idk im just being whiney because i'm trying to procrastinate studying lmao.

o well back to work i suppose.